The Dilz Journey

Last Thursday we buried a man responsible for all the good/fun childhood memories we (siblings and cousins) have in at least the first decade of our lives. He was fun! We called him Taitai (grandfather in Naitasiri) and he was my mother's uncle - married to our grandfather's sister also our grandfather's cousin.  He took people in from all races and relatives from different generations have at least one point of their lives came to stay at their house, back in the day when not everyone had a place in Suva yet and people would come from all over to Suva in search for a "better life." I am sure people had other options of where to stay at but for some reason his house was always the people's choice and that spoke a lot about his character.  His generosity.  As an adult now and looking back, I'm pretty sure he wasn't earning a million bucks but man that 2-bedroom caretaker's house in Wailada FELT like a million bucks!  I also learnt much later in life...

Facebook memories reminded me tonight that 7 years ago today we were getting ready to bury our father, on Feb 12th. Oh I hadn't experienced a heartache like that before. I remember saying it felt like my heart was being ripped up open from my fragile body. 💔  This year we entered the year getting ready for Naus 100 nights. Nau who's been with me all 3 decades of my life, 5 decades of my mother's life. But more specifically, the Nau we ate and lived with past 5 years. A constant presence just not present anymore.  2 weeks after that one of my life friends passed on, the night of her birthday. I was messaging with her all that week because we share the same birthday week. I wished it was a dream. A horrible nightmare to wake up from. But she really was gone. Just msging the day before, and gone the next.  The gift of grief?  A question because in one second grief feels devastating. And in the next second you laugh at a silly or random memory of them. A heartache hard ...

It’s been a little over a month since Nau transitioned in to glory after 85 good years of living earth side. I have been trying to gather myself together to write an entry and share on here. She filled a large part of my heart, second to my parents. Alot of my life’s significant moments are marked with memories with her. I miss her constant presence in my life for sure. Coming back home this past year and getting to be with her is something I will treasure forever. On top of grieving the relationship I was in and all I had hoped it would be, I came home to grieving my deteriorating Nau. It was so painful to watch her not being her usual self and so the grief has been gradual over the course of a year. To simply say this past year was HARD to live with her condition and trying to keep things somewhat "normal" above all, is such an understatement.  I’ll be honest here, I reached a point where I told God, I can’t bear to see her live this way for another 5 years. It is not f...

In my experience of grieving a loss, like losing our father, as much as I miss him deeply, losing him here on earth has been my saving more than my loss.  Pain has this way of stirring something within us that either pushes us to be better or be bitter. Sometimes we start by being bitter because the pain is overbearing and then work our way in to choosing better. But it stirs something in us with a knowing that we have to do better. That we have to build on making our lives worth living, pursuing things of meaning that adds value to the rest of our journey here on earth. It brings death closer to home as a reality that we will all come to and need to prepare for - whether in our pursuit of the relationships we keep or the goals and aspirations we have in this life. For us who have witnessed loved ones transiting from life to death, in THAT moment where the gut wrenching pain of loss is unbearable, we realize, that truly nothing else matters. Not who was right or wrong in the argume...

A letter to my future self I wrote a few years ago, that I feel like sharing here. FutureMe is a site where one writes to their future selves - you decide the date you want to receive it and you will receive it via email. I've only been doing it the past 5 years and here's one I read today.  "Dear FutureMe, Its Good Friday today. I'm reminded of a revelation I received some time ago when I recalled that painful season of my life, He said: "What you thought were holes in His hands (because you thought you fell from his hands) were actually His saving hands."  I don't know what situation you may be in as you read this, but I hope you remember those saving hands is always saving, is still saving. I mean look at you! In THAT season you did not think and it did not feel like there was a way out. Ever. Yet here you are. Alive. Free. Healed and pursuing healing. Living. In abundance. With family. With Nau.  You can't make up these kind of stories.  God is re...

Hi there. Less than 5 days away till 2025 and I want to share my reflections. These were questions prompted for Salt Team and thought it be great to share here.  🌼 What's your biggest reflection from 2024?  Going through heartbreak this year, I discovered a new strength I didn't think I had. 10 years ago me would wish I never go through something like this because I didnt think I'd survive it ... i guess because of all the shame and embarrassment attached to it. But here I am. Surviving. A whole miracle! It really made me think, man, I can survive/ do anything!   🌼 What am I taking with me in to 2025?   Strength in solitude. 🙏🏽  I really NEEDED to pull back from everything I was used to in terms of comfortable community and just sit in my discomfort and hear from God. Like an El-Bethel moment I set up camp at home in a room like I was in lock down just so I can receive what I was meant to receive from God coming out of that heartbreak. That looked ...

 🌟  34 years of family today. 🌟  Not always an annual post, but always in my heart. Everything that we are today we owe to them. I miss my father on days like today.  A year ago today there was an event at Nakorosule, Naitasiri, my mothers village. I was so bummed that I couldn't attend because of prior commitments. I know the chief guest said yes to that event because of us. (definitely got scolded by him for not attending too.) And then I watched the Clip. 💔  All I know is he could have been playing golf somewhere but showed up to that event honoring our late father in a way and the land and people where my mum hails from. All you will see is the PM officiating another event. But to me it was much deeper than that. A kind act of service of reminder to our hearts that my father's legacy lives on and that marrying in to that village all those years ago was not in vain nor forgotten. 💕  Thankful to be reminded that showing up is how we honor them who hav...

It is the 1st of December and I am taking time to reflect on the year it has been so far.  Grateful to be alive to process freely and peacefully.  I think my highlight from this year was the coming together of the FMF Legacy Leadership Symposium in March. I loved getting to work with faith- based leaders from different spheres of influence who came together to help bring this event to life. It was such a true testament of being Salt and Light in the world. I've done other events but I think this one was a big deal because of how it was intentional and prayerfully considered and then extending the invite to the 7 pillars of society - education, religion, family, business, government, arts, and media with the privilege of having global renowned speakers.  Such a game changer initiative and everyone felt there needed to be one every year because it is so needed across the board.  Something I appreciate about doing John Maxwell Masterminds is how simple and relevant th...

25th November 1860 was the date on record our great great grandfather Aisea Vakadranu got baptized to be a Christian. 164 years ago.  Upon this discovery the vuvale Nadokadrau likes to get together to honor what that decision has been for us over the generations.  A little bit emotional realizing the significance that one decision has been over the generations.  Sure there has been bad decisions along the way, and our grandfathers could have easily chosen not to introduce us to the faith but here we are 5th, 6th and 7th generations later still gathering to pray and praise.  Alot of it is also credited to the women who married in to the family, our mothers who helped nurture us and keep us in this faith reality. A combination of grit and grace to press through challenges and the simple truth of the power of our living God.  Today we have become many branches and many in numbers since that baptism and I recall a verse that was personally shared to me back in 200...

Life is like a song, with a beginning and an end and a melody that pulls on all the heart strings.  It is only a little past 11am as I write this and I am exhausted!  I may have mentioned a number of times over the years, living with our grandmother. It has been 3 months since her recent mild stroke and she has been needing extra assistance daily. She's recovered 97% of mobility but still needs 24/7 supervision. My mum is currently down with a cold so I have to be the temporary primary care giver.   It's hard to accept that this is the new reality with her and all the good memories we once shared are just that now, memories. She's still here with us but for the most part she isn't. That brain disorder that creeps up on the elderly and affects everything we do around them can be such a physical and an emotionally draining exercise. It is not for the faint of heart. Half the time we're fighting them to remember basic things but they're just not there anymore and ...

I read a book a year ago that I still refer to constantly today - Soul Care by Rob Reimer  It answered alot of my questions for all of the trauma I was experiencing in my 20s. And now this trauma.  The book highlights alot on unhealed trauma if not dealt with in one generation can show up in a different generation.  Soul Care uncovers that Jesus may have been introduced in to our lives but it was without confronting the wounds that are still there. To be fair Some of these wounds can be from a different generation altogether and we would have no idea about. But the symptoms or signs that there is unhealed trauma keep showing up. Some of these signs are repeated patterns of sin - sexual abuse in the family, domestic violence, witchcraft or homosexuality are just some common examples of unhealed trauma in the bloodline.  The world today praises fully functioning people as if keeping ourselves busy or occupied to the point of burning out is the way to go in life. Over t...

It's a real battle to stay alive when everything around you screams the opposite of what you're feeling,  When everyone around you is moving on with life,  When you are expected to be strong and carry on  When no one can fathom the depth of broken hearts and shattered dreams  When everyone wants to have a say without considering our hearts of clay  Words wound our hearts and souls in ways we cannot explain  Hearts torn apart by decisions made outside of us  Our nervous systems have a way of shutting out unfathomable pain until we are ready to sit with ourselves face to face  Embracing the pain that keeps us enslaved  This is my way of releasing myself from the bound of this pain...  Keep me in your prayers please I pray  Pray that I remember who to live for  Pray that I encounter what to live for  Enough to keep me alive  Because some days all I remember is the pain  Keep me in your prayers please I pray Pray tha...

We made it home the next day. It finally sunk in that, what happened, happened. I grabbed my things that I could grab out of the car and headed straight for the bathroom. I sobbed until I couldn't anymore and after messaged a friend for a breather. From experience, friendship always makes it better so whenever I had the capacity to do so, I go out for a bit. It's hard to navigate because you don't want to be in the way of people's happy lives with your sad story while trying to heal from it and you also just really want to be healed of it - all the different emotions that overwhelm us when conversation or memories trigger the wound. Feelings of anger and rage that I allowed myself to be put in that position, feelings of hurt and shame that I actually loved this person, feelings of betrayal that he didn't keep his word, feelings of lack that who I am as a person and what we talked and experienced in the 2 years of our relationship wasn't enough for him to keep hi...

Please allow me to express myself. I will get to the constructive bit afterwards I promise.  I wish I didn't have anything against boys and their mums but man if your boy is 16 and wanted to get married and mum got in the way, I fully understand. And understood. But if he is 33 and mum is caught by suprise that he wants to get married is craaaazyyy. Meanwhile mum is fully aware of the relationship the whole time but there's no intentional progressive conversation on what next. Only, "let's wait for the uncles". Crazy to think that we even function like that as Fijians- to put our lives on hold until the "uncles" made their decisions or agreed to the decision.  At which point We are going to assume that they didn't care (or approve.) So we planned it without parents as our 30year old selves. (Lol what is a 30 year old in this Fijian family?)  Nearing the day, out of courtesy we decided to inform parents. Note, I say, Inform not ask for approval. My pa...

Imagine a girl growing up in a safe little good Christian home. Key words: safe, good and CHRISTIAN.  I start here because when the environment in your development stages in life is safe, good and Christian, your views and ideas about life is very limited. Limited to only good things. It's not bad and I'm not ungrateful but I say limited because I had no idea how to cope when bad things happened to me because it was a foreign concept and that it was even possible to happen to me in the first place. God was my protector I was taught and I should be immune to bad things?  I look back and see trauma happened one after the other for me in my 20s and now 30s that I guess is where my safety net comes in. My safety net being how I was raised as default - prayer, Bible and family with phrases like, "just pray about it!"   Great stuff but does not negate the fact that I was raised to believe that God is good all the time and for a kid that was raised in that environment, unco...

For some reason, I thought I needed to be out of the woods of this process to be able to tell the story. At least a proper one where my emotions are not in the way. The danger of doing it anyway is you feeling the rawness of the rage, the hurt, the heartbreak, the bitterness.  But I want to stay alive and telling the story helps me do that. Not for likes and follows and shares, but to simply stay alive.  Cue tears.  There's this misconception among Christians sometimes that nothing bad happens to us if we believe in Jesus. You know because God is good all the time and  Great things He has done. I'm not writing to imply those aren't true. I just want to tell my story.  This blog has been about my journey. Testimonies of God's faithfulness in grief, suffering and celebrating life and milestones. And so the journey continues.  Here's what I've been dealt with: a relationship that I love(d) where he wanted to marry me ..... and then he didn't, the morning of....

Please note this isn't "hate mail". I write as I process and unpack and I think it's important to share it for our awareness and to help us heal and forgive.  I was asked, "how many times do you hear your mum tell you she loves you?"  I said she doesn't. As in she doesn't have to. I just know.  Defensive maybe.  As I thought about that, i was saddened a little by the way we were raised to settle for that. The more I learnt about love in Jesus, the more I saw our lack. I think the lack of hearing that in a generation is how we raised children who turned to rebellion and peer pressure for a sense of belonging.  I feel the rage that stems from a lack of love and being loved. The rage that stems from not knowing love or how loving should look like. I am convinced of one thing though. That where we settle down for a sense of belonging, is where we've felt the most loved even if it looks distorted. And that looks different for everyone - a youth group...

Beautiful brides ✨️  July                August          September  We appreciate this season because of the past seasons. A journey of living and learning, forgiving and growing. A journey of rising, falling, and rising again. Surviving through Seasons when  feeling of kicking ourselves in the gut and be isolated in our valleys was easier than showing up. But God.  God Had so much more for us. Kept bringing us out of the miry pits, moulding and creating beauty from the ashes. We owe it to God given friendships who pushed us, prayed for us without us knowing, showing up for us unwanted lol, lifting us up and carrying us forward in laughter, tea sessions or over some fine wine through heartaches, grief, galantines days, birthdays and milestones. The bliss of community. Friends turned family but always daughters of the King first.  We are living the seasons we once prayed for, joked about, and at som...

"Ralei" means Mother.  Ralei's Project on July 1st at Nakorosule, Nagonenicolo, Naitasiri. Women of Nakorosule, vasus and married here come together to soli for Talatala's vehicle.  Wainimala River   Nau and mum decided to visit the Talatala's residence first thing as we arrived. Talatala Lasaro, son of the late Talatala Lasaro whose term as Qaselevu for the Methodist church in 1993 is the reason Poasa's middle name is Qaselevu. How my parents got together was through their blessing, prayers and full support of obedience.  The late Talatala Lasaro had alot of history in this village too. He opened the church here back in 1995.  Breakfast at the 'lomanibai' was precious as Talatala and Radini shared how the past month was their month of revival. Ended yesterday. Stories of their 9 year old laying hands to heal and pray and youths casting out demons. Jesus.  Talatala shared how he was looking through his late father's study and found a program of the...