Heartbreak

Imagine a girl growing up in a safe little good Christian home. Key words: safe, good and CHRISTIAN. 

I start here because when the environment in your development stages in life is safe, good and Christian, your views and ideas about life is very limited. Limited to only good things. It's not bad and I'm not ungrateful but I say limited because I had no idea how to cope when bad things happened to me because it was a foreign concept and that it was even possible to happen to me in the first place. God was my protector I was taught and I should be immune to bad things? 

I look back and see trauma happened one after the other for me in my 20s and now 30s that I guess is where my safety net comes in. My safety net being how I was raised as default - prayer, Bible and family with phrases like, "just pray about it!"  

Great stuff but does not negate the fact that I was raised to believe that God is good all the time and for a kid that was raised in that environment, unconsciously my definition of good was tied to only good things - painless happy memories. If there was pain then it was not good. 

Trauma in my 20s included SA by a close family member, joining a prophetic ministry and being ridiculed for it, working for a racist family in a different country, passing away of my father, and other family members and being homeless half the time through all of that. 

And now this. 

I'm trying to work backwards here because seeing it from an overview perspective helps give this meaning of some sort I guess. That painful things also make for good stories. That the reality is, life can be painful but the story is still good. Even if we're telling it with tears streaming down our face. 

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Life with him was simple, undemanding and pure bliss. It was a dream come true for me honestly. It was away from the busyness and demands of life and it was just perfect for my season. 

Just when I was feeling like I've healed, I've done the work, am doing the work and am fully aware of my limitations and boundaries to sort of guard myself against bad energy, I'm dealt with another one. 

I had been sensing heartbreak and having conversations with God along the way about going through it, I said, "oh Lord. Not another heartbreak, I don't think I'll make it out alive." Because from experience in alot of earlier entries on this blog, heartache has made me crawl out internal caves and feel like starting life all over again and I don't know how to do that again in my 30s!

We prayed in to this. (I can almost hear religious people say, did you really? "because bad things aren't supposed to happen if you pray" lol) We dreamed and made plans. We registered to get married and when the day came, he wanted to fulfill his mother's wishes which was good and well for him but not for me. Imagine planning and looking forward to the day, organizing the necessary only for everything to be changed because it wasnt this parent's dream for him. 

While I sympathized with their reasonings of being away from each other for 20+ years and this event was supposed to be one where she could be present for, he went and planned it without knowing her expectations because frankly for 2 years it didn't seem like anyone cared much enough to at least voice their expectations. We worked with the reality of where we were at and what we knew was the right thing to do and that's why he wanted to get married. But his mother's cries and heartache from the other side of the world carried more weight than his desire to get married that day and so he canceled on me. He most probably assumed I'm too weak to live without him and I loved him to the point where I would put my life on hold to wait for them is crazy because what?! 

If you're gonna put me in that heartache it is highly better to not be put in probable future heartaches like that again. If what we agreed to was not valuable enough to you for that day, knowing that you didn't have it in you to stick to your decision is something that would haunt me for the rest of our lives if I chose to stay. 

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