The Process

We made it home the next day. It finally sunk in that, what happened, happened. I grabbed my things that I could grab out of the car and headed straight for the bathroom. I sobbed until I couldn't anymore and after messaged a friend for a breather. From experience, friendship always makes it better so whenever I had the capacity to do so, I go out for a bit.

It's hard to navigate because you don't want to be in the way of people's happy lives with your sad story while trying to heal from it and you also just really want to be healed of it - all the different emotions that overwhelm us when conversation or memories trigger the wound.

Feelings of anger and rage that I allowed myself to be put in that position, feelings of hurt and shame that I actually loved this person, feelings of betrayal that he didn't keep his word, feelings of lack that who I am as a person and what we talked and experienced in the 2 years of our relationship wasn't enough for him to keep his word and go through with it. 

Feelings of what is the point of being alive if all I'm feeling is pain. 

Enraged. This is how people commit suicide in heartache and betrayal. I never understood the possibility of that happening to someone let alone me. In the depth of the pain and lack of understanding and comfort around them, one really can feel there is no way out it than that.

What is the point of living if all I'm feeling is pain.

I've heard it all before: maybe your story will help someone else; maybe there are lessons that we could all learn from; maybe some day it will all make sense.

But what about right now, in the moment where I don't want to feel anything overwhelming, what am I breathing for?

What or who are these thoughts and words for?

I have said, sent and communicated things that I am not proud of that I cannot take back in the midst of this pain. 

I am afraid to show up in spaces where I feel like my pain will be put on the spot. Especially if it hasn't healed.

I am afraid to have people be normal with me while I'm walking around with a hole in my heart. I feel like I just had an open heart surgery and I'm still healing from the procedure and I don't think this needed emotional healing is talked about enough.

Alot of us were taught to suck it up (our emotions) and carry on; that showing emotions is a sign of weakness or defeat. A sign of surrender as if surrender is a bad thing. Surrender in a man made war maybe, but not a kingdom war. 

Surrender is where God comes in. 

Surrender is where God comes close.

Surrender is where God shows up.

So I'm surrendering. Some days easier than others. It's only a 2 week old wound and I can't speak for how I'll feel about all this tomorrow or next week or even next year. I just know that I can choose to surrender today.

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