My Mother & I ❤️

Please note this isn't "hate mail". I write as I process and unpack and I think it's important to share it for our awareness and to help us heal and forgive. 

I was asked, "how many times do you hear your mum tell you she loves you?" 

I said she doesn't. As in she doesn't have to. I just know. 

Defensive maybe. 

As I thought about that, i was saddened a little by the way we were raised to settle for that. The more I learnt about love in Jesus, the more I saw our lack. I think the lack of hearing that in a generation is how we raised children who turned to rebellion and peer pressure for a sense of belonging. 

I feel the rage that stems from a lack of love and being loved. The rage that stems from not knowing love or how loving should look like. I am convinced of one thing though. That where we settle down for a sense of belonging, is where we've felt the most loved even if it looks distorted. And that looks different for everyone - a youth group; a church; a friendship; a sports team; a group old scholars; 

a criminal gang; a group of sex workers; a sense of belonging. 

"One can only lead from one's level of awareness" is something I learnt from John Maxwell tools. 

It helped me understand that people really live AND LOVE from their own levels of awareness. No one can force another to love differently if the other person hasn't experienced that kind of love for themselves. A sad reality because alot of heartaches ties down to this. 

It takes alot of work on mental and emotional health and being aware of our capacity of loving and our triggers. 

So while I didn't and don't hear I love you often from my mother, I know she loves me in other ways - taught us how to pray, taught us how to read the Bible; taught us to tithe at an early age; led us to Christ. I also know she's only loving from the level of love she received from hers. And I think that's huge to realize. But I reckon we've done so much better to love ours well in this generation. 

So As I reflect on motherhood, I have to be grateful. While I used to be confused or upset that I didn't get a mother in comparison to others around me, It all pushed me towards God. The only reason I have a confident relationship with God is because I understood that I could run to Him in my heartache and I did that pretty early in my life and pretty much all the time. 

So where she lacked or anyone else for that matter, God makes up for it so much more. because He IS love and is the ultimate goal of living. 💗  

Live, Learn & Keep Growing/ Going. 

Happy Mother's Day !