SUCH TIMES

For what this year and decade has done to my soul  I am grateful for all the lessons learnt;  All the people I came across  All the experiences - good and bad; shameful and unspeakable; glorious and sweet  All the losses made;  friendships that stayed  All the many unspoken of; unfilmed moments that captured my heart & attention along the way  All the memories that make my heart swell from time to time  All the memories forever etched in my heart & soul  Stories to tell the next gens!  Though fear is present, love is always the game changer Though lies & opinions matter for a while, Truth is always the victor,  Though closure does not come, Peace is the virtue that lasts  Though being beat down is familiar, kindness is always sweeter  These are some gatherings I made along the way  Life is too short to focus on the inconveniences,  Grow up, stay friends, make memori...

Of all the "social media perfect photos" I shared this year, (the ones where I'm smiling looking happy, feeling merry,) this picture best describes where my heart was really at - it was time to take him to church: Talatala was waiting, the boys were ready to take him, everybody was calling my name... I knew that day was coming, but somehow in the moment, I still wasn't so prepared for it. I just wanted a few more moments to be close to him physically, to cling to him tightly once more - the hands that carried me, the face that prayed for me, the man that set the standard for me.  Jan 01, 2019:  Told my father not to attend the usual New Years' service because it wasn't wise for his health.  Spent it with him, grandparents, my sis and cousins. Everybody else went to church. We prayed, and laughed and made fun with our grandmother putting powder on our faces while we had tea and cakes baked by my sister. I took videos for kee...

They just updated that they have done a memorial service celebrating sweet Olive's life. Wow. What an impact this toddler made! (God is always using babies ay?! ) There was something that transpired in the spiritual around the globe over the #WakeUpOlive set of events.  I feel like the Bethel community hosted an unplanned, spontaneous round the globe and round the clock worship event to end this decade on a level that sets the CHURCH up for 2020. Kingdom things. I see no loss at all that transpired and all that was said and done. It was glorious. It was real. It was kingdom Fullstop.  It does not and will not change their (our) heart posture, it only magnifies our hunger for more, for greater, for HEAVEN. and frankly, that's a good thing. If there were no radical expression of faith out of a place of pain, then we never really believed what we preach. All I saw transpired was FAITH in its purest form. Nothing less than that and that was stunning and heartwarming....

A prayer I wrote out on Dec 18th:  Maybe its the steadfastness of their faith that beckons us, me in to this global awakening.  But its this church. This community has always from the start for me, been in the business of the miraculous and while the world watch on they have not backed down from this level of faith. They have only grown in/on it! Its contagious!  For me, personally they came around for me at a season where I was questioning what all is there to this faith we profess; it was what steadied me when I was looked at differently for believing more or for trying out something other than just being a "normal" christian or in what I was experiencing then - a stagnant one.  I thought there had to be more than just the going to church and looking pretty when we gather. I wanted more.   In so many ways this community in their worship, have offered the world and the global church a MIGHTY awakening of ...

My sis told me about a trending hash tag on Instagram: #WakeUpOlive and I.was/am.h ooked. I have to see this happen. I need people to see this happen. Not to prove anything but just the comfort that Jesus is real and this gospel that we preach is no lie.  Background story: Olive stopped breathing and has been declared dead by the doctors. Daughter of Bethel's Kalley Heiligenthal. Favorite worship leader. 🌹 Here's my take on it... Oh dear little Olive What a beautiful awakening your little being has brought unto this world  There is no way any of this is a coincidence  Our God had this orchestrated from the start, from your start  I see comments from aaaalllll the ends of this earth  A beautiful awakening of His bride  A beautiful awakening of His child A beautiful awakening of His pride  A beautiful awakening of all that is His.  I see people who've lost touch realign again  I see gospel dots connecting like it...

Three trips to the morgue in 6months. To say overwhelmed, is an understatement.  I walked in to January at such a high, believing and excited for whatever lie ahead of me.  I remember just feeling like I was ready for whatever came my way! or something like that Or so I thought huh.  [Sigh.😩] I even tweeted on social media saying:      "2019, MAY I HANDLE THE UNEXPECTED(s)  BETTER".  Ha.  Did not think that through.  On the contrary,  10 points for faith yeah?  Its August. And if Im being honest tonight, with tears streaming down my face as I reluctantly try to type this, I'm a little bit angry at how my 2019 is going so far.  Okay maybe a lot angry. I thought I been crushed enough the past ten years and this year was MY/ our year.  Maybe it is.  Just not in the exact way I imagined it to be.  All of the books; all of the sermons; ...

[Wrote this a year ago and came across it today. still so relevant.]  Till Death Do Us Part . Weirdly woke up this Sunday afternoon murmuring this. ha #judgeme  Marriage is crazy. I’ve hated it. I’ve loved it - Gloriously.  I’ve doubted it - indefinitely. Two Sundays ago I visited my grandparents and got slammed on the face struck with how life is like for them now. Here I am celebrating close friends getting married and then the aftermath jokes of who’s next and conversations of nieces and nephews as namesakes. I held my grandfather a bit longer than normal. He’s been senile now, on and off. Mostly the latter. Regular human habits are sort of a struggle now or just slow – talking, eating, walking, having his eyes open.   Crazy how life evolves. I watched my Nau hold him, talk to him gently explaining to him who all were in the room, feed him when it was time to dine, and clean up after him. My heart was in all sort...

Cried a ton tonight.  Cried for friendship.  We take it for granted.  I know, Some days I've jokingly uttered, "can we see each other after 6months? cos I'm tired of seeing y'all. 😂" Tonight I cried.  Not because I've lost them but because I look back  and I look around me, and I go to sleeep smiling most days, because of God's hand on my life through friendship.  Honestly for a generally introverted person like me,  I dont know how I would have survived the oddest of odds over the years without the gift of friendship;  without being able to call/ txt someone up and tell them about my life without judgement or fear;  or just having someone who was willing to listen without interjecting or posing threat or fear;  or someone who was open to just 'being there' or 'being present', no strings attached other than the often unspoken promise of 'its okay I gotchu regardless', 'I gotchu. Your mess won...

                                                         Anna is a Vanuatu girl I met in Vanuatu on a mission project with CRUFIJI back in 2012. Two years ago in a Tamavua bus, I happened to sit next to her. This girl was on her phone. 15 minutes in to the bus ride, this girl taps me on my hand, and says, "Excuse me, is this you?" My EYES went from her phone screen to her face to the phone screen and back at her. "wait what?" I was out of this world confused, scared maybe and just a little shocked. My MIND lol! thinking, what in the world? why is she showing me this? is she stalking me? is this a joke? 😂  I admit, I also thought of going to a different seat, I mean I FREAKED!                        She was showing me group photos of us i...

Something I initially thought should only be for some special women in my life, but thought I could share here as well..  To my ladies,  The past three months has been a handful of heartfelt funerals. Funerals that should total to a whole year's worth of energies, emotions, life stories and oh finances - all in only three short months. Friends I haven't met in a long time, family I haven't spoken to and of in a long while, I got to hear from and experience in a few short weeks. No complaints here, only Wow and thankfulness for the journey it has been and for the rarely appreciated gift of social media for making things a little bit easier to handle. I think.  Beautiful Misha got to tie the knot the other night and the way I contemplated attending this wedding, or any wedding or just anything "fun" for that matter, only God knows. I didnt know if I was ready for anything fun yet. Didn't know if it was morally right or whatever being that my Tata ha...

It still aches I dont know if it will ever stop I dont know if I want it to stop (missing him I mean)  But I do prefer feeling it than ignoring it. Currently feeling it all today - as if it were happening all over again... As if it hasnt been a month already... As if I hadnt felt it all before that day. We dont know how much space one takes up in our hearts until we lose 'em. He sure took up a lot in mine.  So I took some time out to just sit and soak in God's goodness and faithfulness despite my overwhelmed with sadness heart. God is sweet. I was reminded that God is PRESENT though the waves and the world seem loud;  That as the waves come crashing in, so will healing, joy and goodness all around;  That memories of him bring healing instead of pain  That reminders of his counsel lead us closer than apart That the sound of his voice ring comfort and peace That stories of him strengthen us within. Because all things work togeth...

"I'm so sorry for your loss," they said with good intention.  Every time I heard/ read that, I found myself thinking, "but I'm not at loss..? " Not in a mean way, but I really didnt/ dont feel like we lost something/ someone. Dont get me wrong, we miss him lots and holding his hand till his last breath felt like my heart was ripped open with no mercy, BUT we really like REAALLY deeply believe he's in a better place. A place where there is no pain and sorrow and heartache and shame.  "Heaven's gain", they said.. and really, in believing that, I like to think it is our gain too! It gives me strength to believe he really is where I long to be on the daily. I mean he's already there!!  It gives me strength to realize thats where I want to be headed all the days of my life. It gives me strength to believe that every single day I'm alive is a chance to live for THAT glory; for that goodness; for that craze. Him being there give...

                                                                                                       We believed till his very last breath and with that I am satisfied.  We had one more week with him before he was finally received in to glorious eternity. It was one week of receiving revelations from him, one week of seeing him smile and share and pray and say Halleluyah! One week of glorious moments of him saying things like, "kua ni leqataki au lewa, au sa bula tu." Trust that I hurried home after that and cried my life away.  Our last moments with him though painful, I now see was pretty glorious. Standing by him all of us, holding on until he let go. Such a gentleman, waiting/ fighting till we...

Two weeks ago my father got admitted in to hospital.  Doctor: Sir, when was the last time you were admitted to the hospital?  Him: '86.  As in nineteen eighty freaking six. You have to understand my dad, our hero has never in our lifetime needed hospital care. Ever. He's always been the tough one. I mean I remember him having a flu for a couple of days growing up but nothing serious.  I have always trodded places unknown in peace because I know they (parents) always had us covered. Always. Even in rebellion I know they got us covered. If I ever had to pray for them, it would mostly be out of gratitude or if I wanted something my way lets be real, sometimes we arent on the same page on things.  When my mom messaged to say that he had been admitted, it took a bit to sink in: "like what do you mean admitted?!"  And so this time, my mother's asking me/ us to pray FOR him; have him covered. My heart broke in to a million pieces.  ...