Even When Its Hard...

Three trips to the morgue in 6months.

To say overwhelmed, is an understatement. 

I walked in to January at such a high, believing and excited for whatever lie ahead of me. 

I remember just feeling like I was ready for whatever came my way! or something like that

Or so I thought huh. 

[Sigh.😩]

I even tweeted on social media saying:

     "2019, MAY I HANDLE THE UNEXPECTED(s)  BETTER". 

Ha. 

Did not think that through. 

On the contrary, 

10 points for faith yeah? 

Its August. And if Im being honest tonight, with tears streaming down my face as I reluctantly try to type this, I'm a little bit angry at how my 2019 is going so far. 

Okay maybe a lot angry.

I thought I been crushed enough the past ten years and this year was MY/ our year. 

Maybe it is. 

Just not in the exact way I imagined it to be. 

All of the books; all of the sermons; all of the teachings; all of the devotions; all of the revelations; all of the prayers; all of the worship; all of the community I counted on to help me through..... did their absolute best at lifting my spirit these past 6months and I'm grateful. But. 

There's a longing that it wasn't SO harsh; That it could've at least been a year apart and not months/ weeks; That we had ample time to mourn/ grieve for one before the next one. 

Nope. 

I'm required or am expected to be present - brush it off and move on because life goes on. 

"So you're sad, big deal. Its not the end of the world, pick it up and keep moving."

Amongst expectations, LORD knows I am trying not to lose my mind! 

I get it. 95% of society/ community/ the world screams that. I almost have no reason, or excuse if we're being real, to grieve. Its depressing I get it. Its easier to pick things up and move on because there are people to attend to, bills to pay, and a world to save right? 

I just mean, that there's so much striving for a lotta things that is here today and gone the next. And its exhausting. 

If these significant, consecutive losses have taught me anything this year, it will definitely be, reaffirming me that, life is short. Pay attention. You don't have all day. You really don't. Time is vital and so precious. Trust God with it. Ask God how to use it well. Cos, 2 weeks by a hospital bed maybe all you need to set you up for this life and the next, than what you think you can learn or earn from a eight to five job/class that stresses you out. 12 Sundays with your elderly grandfather may be all you need to learn so much about TRUE love than anything you could've heard from a podcast online. One week with a cousin maybe all the encounter you needed to have to be reminded that you come from a long line of faithful servants of the Lord that won't leave you hanging and would show up when you least expect it. A few minutes of your time may be all someone needs to encounter love; to encounter Jesus, to change someone's life - just as they've changed mine. Pay attention.

In my mind it makes sense. Sort of. Though it pains me to the core of my fragile soul. 

Its been one HELL of a year. And we still got the last quarter to go through. Best believe im crawling it out to December at this point, but yeah, I'm "moving" or whatever they said..
and in the process gathering the strength to trust that... 

To everything there  is a season, 

A time for every PURPOSE under heaven: 

A time to be born, 

And a time to die; 

A time to plant, 

And a time to pluck what  is planted; 

A time to kill, 

And a time to HEAL; 

A time to BREAK DOWN, 

And a time to build up; 

A time to WEEP, 

And a time to laugh; 

A time to MOURN, 

And a time to dance; 

A time to cast away stones, 

And a time to gather stones; 

A time to embrace, 

And a time to refrain from embracing; 

A time to gain, 

And a time to lose; 

A time to keep, 

And a time to throw away; 

A time to tear, 

And a time to sew; 

A time to keep silence, 

And a time to speak; 

A time to love, 

And a time to hate; 

A time of war, 

And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1‭-‬8 NKJV 

And this time, I'll grieve and take it one step at a time; One breath at a time, and hope to remember something I heard some seasons ago that, this is only temporary, while He is forever. Always and forever.  Even when its hard. 

To be continued...