Evaluating 2019 💛

Of all the "social media perfect photos" I shared this year, (the ones where I'm smiling looking happy, feeling merry,) this picture best describes where my heart was really at - it was time to take him to church: Talatala was waiting, the boys were ready to take him, everybody was calling my name...

I knew that day was coming, but somehow in the moment, I still wasn't so prepared for it. I just wanted a few more moments to be close to him physically, to cling to him tightly once more - the hands that carried me, the face that prayed for me, the man that set the standard for me. 

Jan 01, 2019: Told my father not to attend the usual New Years' service because it wasn't wise for his health. 

Spent it with him, grandparents, my sis and cousins. Everybody else went to church. We prayed, and laughed and made fun with our grandmother putting powder on our faces while we had tea and cakes baked by my sister. I took videos for keepsake. Because it felt special. 

Life is fleeting. To have had known that, that was our last new years together - Dad and Grandad; that we had exactly ONE month and a week with my father and eight months with our grandfather, is something we probably will never understand on this side of creation. It hurts remembering how good for my soul that night was without even realizing it then. 

I replay those moments and days in my head just to feel that pain again - just to remember how real that was, just to discover purpose all over again. And a lot more often than not, it has been where I drew strength and courage from, to carry on. 

And this I remember and continue to uphold, that

This my darling, is only temporary and soon we will be reunited in glorious delight. ⛅ 

Through it all I gained beautiful friendships and reunited with old acquaintances significant to my journey. Its been real. I've been blessed through it all esp in the valley and I cannot complain. 

I know I walk out of 2019 feeling ridiculously grateful despite one of the most painful experiences of my life and I am undone. Not because it was easy, but because I gained so much spiritually and through community and family. True I'm still recovering and rediscovering myself in it all but I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

If death and loss and heartache has taught me anything thus far, it will definitely be that Jesus is real; hope is worth holding on to and favor comes in the morning as sure as sun comes up. Always. 

We made it to the year end Tata. Everything's gonna be alright.💛