SUCH TIMES

Man it has been a great year. Grateful to the good Lord for the gift of family, friendship and everything and everyone in between. ❣

Talking with Annie a few days ago and just processing through how we sometimes have this idea of ourselves in our minds - that I am humble, that I am a good person, loving and nice and kind, people loving and never judging and most of all - "godly".... All rainbows and sunshine until you meet someone who lives and goes beyond your lifestyle, or what you thought was good and I remember just having to sit still for a minute and take in what I had just encountered.  The way God had it was, I caught up with an oldest good friend of mine from high school this past month and I couldnt believe what I learnt/ discovered about myself. I thought I knew grace until I met her. (Turns out I might be needing grace lessons now and again, and again and again.)  We (a group of friends) all wrote in my journal in high school from time to time and it just so happened that I found this journal around the time I met this one. We laughed good and hard over the sillinness of what o...

I want to put this on here so that I remember. Powerful use and choice of lingual in a song suiting for our people/ nation! (and by a twenty one year old!) Coolest. 

                                                                                            SLR // TATA SITI                                                                     For what it's worth, you stood because you believed it can be done; you believed it was worth your every breath no matter the cost; you believed there is more when everyone else had lost hope, you gave some hope again. The way people came together this past few weeks, in reverence for the God of our fathers, and to your favor for a court case, was heart felt for Fijians all over the world.  Peo...

'Me bula ga ko Viti ka me toro ga ki liu'.  5 days from today Fiji decides. It feels like doomsday with all the bickering, hate speeches nonsense; like the world is going to end and there's no more future.  Just in case we'll all still be alive then, I am grateful for Viti.  I am grateful for the land that has carried us through since our forefathers claimed heritage here.  I am grateful for all that we have survived - tribal wars, Christianity, colonizers, indentured labourers, independence, politics, coups and natural disasters.  Still standing, still functioning mixed blooded people. The diversity is admirable. Nothing like it. No one like us!  If anything, at the end of elections, I hope we remember the victories we've celebrated, the relationships we've created and shared in them, the losses we've conquered, the impression we had on the royals; I hope we remember the oneness. I hope we remember that we don't al...

                                              Tutu & Nau // The Grands ❤  Life is slowly deteriorating for them physically and some days mentally. We encountered some unimaginable seasons. But I am so. so grateful. For them. My other set of first best friends. I can't believe I have the blessing of still having them alive. Today I appreciate them. Trusting that God is weaving all things beautiful in the process.  If there's anything I'm learning from them, it is that brutal as circumstances may be, God is worth counting on; forgiveness is worth choosing; love always wins. Always.  We celebrated Tutu's 87th a month ago. There were lots of tears. He was always the man of the show. This time, he sat there almost oblivious that we all gathered to celebrate him. Senile. Weak. Eyes closed. We missed him, even though he was/ is st...

Feel like an outsider to the church  Feel like I don't belong  Feel like its all about making an appearance now Feel like nobody knows...  Nobody knows how much church has hurt some  Nobody cares  Nobody's paying attention  Nobody's reading their eyes, just living the lies  Nobody's saving their souls, just saving their posts  Nobody's getting it done, just letting them become scums Nobody's really paying attention.  Nobody but God.  From the outside Church sounds hellla amazing though.  For someone who's been in the church all my life  Sounds from church just tugs on heart strings  Memories, flashbacks of how good and pleasant it is to be with people of the Lord! Belonging. Adorning.  Enticing.  "This is how its supposed to be"  "This is where it all begins" we sing. Foreigners look on in disarray. How does a foreigner get saved then.  Hundred...

This week two of my bests celebrate their one month anniversaries respectively. Crazy.  This means Ive been back in Viti for about two months now. Wow. Time flies when we're busy!  Lately in just catching up with loved ones I realized how much changed in my heart this past year and I am blown away!  I dont think people understand the depth of what I endured these past few years (not that I expect people to understand) to the point where I gave up on life! - Gave up on myself, gave up on holding on, gave up on family, gave up on friendships,the relationship I was in, purity; gave up on the church, gave up on God and God things - everything I was walking in my whhoolle life! And for it to be something I am looking back to, today?!! when a year ago I was done with this thing called life.. I never fully understood what having a saviour meant until I NEEDED SAVING myself!  Less than 12 months ago, I was a mess. or worse. My goodness. I was sooo bitter I w...

Thought I'd take a walk outside but its 12pm in Samoa and no one walks in this heat at this hour. But I got up and after sending a text I thought I should at least, clean my room. Reorganized a few things and opened my curtains. A knock on the door. The housekeeper. I managed a smile. Her: "Fia  igu ki?" (Do you want a cup of tea?) I really didn't have an appetite, but I replied, "I faamolemole" (yes please) She hurried to make me one, handed me the cup with a smile of gratitude as if to say, "you're most welcome" while I tried not to scare her with crocodile tears. I have a stubborn soul and it wasn't her job to fix me tea at any time of the day. But she did. Her kindness broke down walls I struggled to put up the night before being up in my feels of disappointment and disapproval from people I work under. Real life sucks. Its not out there on Instagram and Facebook etc, but its there...

Seven months in Samoa this week. (Eight including the month I first came and went back.) Wow. It really doesn't feel like its been that many months. Feels like a few weeks rather. I can't believe this is a part of my story now, wherever I go - that I lived in Samoa for eight months! Feels like a dream. It's the longest that I've ever been away from home. There's no way of fully telling all that God did in my heart these past few months. Its been crazily overwhelmingly gooood. in short though, i will say, its been a beautiful journey of healing and redemption in the deep places of my heart.  It's been a place of witnessing God restore and rebuild broken things in my heart and my family that had been left dormant for a while. I have no right words. I know I say that a lot. But there really aren't words enough to fully describe these God things esp when compared to countless tear filled nights and prayer and fasting months to the point where we r...

"There is death in Gaza" I just read here on social media.  The point of that phrase being that while the Israeli community smile and celebrate their unjust government, there were people dying on the other side - unarmed and therefore treated unfairly.  Some say Israeli with guns and ammunition against sticks and rocks. Fair observation. But is it? I will be honest. It was shocking to see that when it came down to fact/truth and current affairs (not always the same thing unfortunately), we a people that thank God for our rugby wins defy this same God throwing shade at his people choosing to celebrate. If you really knew what this people had to endure in only seven decades ago, you would understand why they fight the way they do; why they've had to create the best and finest of of all finest ammunitions for themselves from NOTHING; why and how they built an empire and A- State-Of-The-Art economy... If you knew or saw how they were almost nothing, le...

Some historical events the world recognises: Israel's Independence day; Fiji's first coup - And by your own cousin I might add.   May 14th. Your birthday.  A year away from 70 today, Tata.  Wow. Before what people know you as - a spiritual mentor,  a work colleague, a retired civil servant, a leader,  a man of faith... I am blessed to know you first as my Tata. There has never been a time in my life where I questioned that. You carried all roles that you were assigned to - Vanua, Lotu, Matanitu while being our Tata - all with so much GRACE and discernment.  What an honour to witness it first hand. Everything about my life and encounters with God is inspired by your relationship with us as our father,  with me as my father. Vinaka na veisusu vinaka. However big, however small,  I'm grateful and proud of the life you both have built for us.  It doesn't look like a lot on the physi...

I don't know what may have been going on in your head on that day you said "I Do" but I know without a doubt you said it - if anything, with or without anyone else standing with you with it, I know you said it with faith.  At 26, much older than when you were when you got married,  I can imagine how scary that must have been for you.  I'm sorry I misjudged you.  I put this tag on you as a mother, as my mother, you should just know how to handle life because you are the 'mother' - not a human being, not a Sunday school teacher, not a lay preacher, just a mother.  Mothers just know. Mothers always know. True to a certain extent but I think in that,  I didn't see you mothers as human beings - people who hurt, and cry, and fail and sometimes (if not often) misunderstood or overlooked.  The sleepless nights not only on infant stages but throughout all our lives really, wherever we trod. Thank you for saying yes over and over and over and ov...

I look at my previous journals and she has left marks all over it. A year ago, I'd tell her, "Lewa no-no" and then give her a different piece of paper. Somehow she just liked the one where I wrote. I just glanced at my passport the other day and she left a signature there too.  Im glad i get to take it remembering that season of my life whereever I go.  She was leaving her mark. Its been a year since everything changed. Transiting in to the new season was hard.  Emotional bonding with a toddler isnt easy to just let go, let alone FORGET.  I dont even remember how I first came to look after her but we became super close/ attached within a very short span of time. Ever since we found out she was in her mother's womb, I knew I wanted to love this child.. almost everybody else didnt want to be associated with them... with her. That broke my heart. I remember praying with tears for her, "well Lord, use me.. keep her and use m...

Little testaments of His Faithfulness:  This week  money went missing from the records I look after. And a big amount at that! Peace reigns and I honestly had no idea where that money went to! Co-workers started murmuring and throwing pitiful glances at me. Just what I needed to go in to declaration mode: "No way God. Turn this around!"  The next day I was convinced I was getting the loss cut off off my pay and I was fine with it. "They can have their money, I'm just here to testify." I rested on the fact that whatever happens, being in Samoa in and off itself is a testament of heavenly goodness and this situation wasnt going to ruin that. Got woken up at 3ams to declare out loud, "Even in the odds, my God is for me and not against me. My God is for me and not against me. My God is FOR ME and NOT AGAINST ME.."  I really needed to stay connected. Did not want to get distracted by the murmurs and glances. And for me that meant plugging o...

Its my day off and i can finally watch Youtube videos. Just got done crying over this one. 💘 Please watch .   Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me You have been so, so good to me Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me You have been so, so kind to me O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God O, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me You have been so, so good to me When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me You have been so, so kind to me O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God O, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away O, the overwhelmin...

" Hey you.  You're beautiful and amazing and I mean it.  Now, I know it seems like you're never heard It may seem like you're never noticed All the good you do All the tears you shed All the prayers you prayed.. It may seem like you're just another help But I see and I know. Its hard to be bashed around like a dough but I see so much more than you'll ever know. Cool thing about doughs is that they turn out so much more beautiful than what was initially sown  The harder the kneading of dough, the softer and nicer what we will behold.  So hang on in there my girl,  You in all of this heartache will survive. You will just be fine, As  long as you are mine." It was a year ago when i needed to hear that. So much heartache and it only got worse through the year. Mainly my own poor, full of fear choices and others. Settled in what i hoped would get better and smoother. But inevitably failed still. I needed help. And i kne...