"I Was There"

This week two of my bests celebrate their one month anniversaries respectively. Crazy. 

This means Ive been back in Viti for about two months now. Wow. Time flies when we're busy! 

Lately in just catching up with loved ones I realized how much changed in my heart this past year and I am blown away! 

I dont think people understand the depth of what I endured these past few years (not that I expect people to understand) to the point where I gave up on life! - Gave up on myself, gave up on holding on, gave up on family, gave up on friendships,the relationship I was in, purity; gave up on the church, gave up on God and God things - everything I was walking in my whhoolle life! And for it to be something I am looking back to, today?!! when a year ago I was done with this thing called life.. I never fully understood what having a saviour meant until I NEEDED SAVING myself! 

Less than 12 months ago, I was a mess. or worse. My goodness. I was sooo bitter I wanted to die. I DID NOT THINK that only a year later I'd be singing and testifying to Gods goodness of being saved from what I was dealing with then and more. Surviving a day was a miracle because I really didnt want to be alive. I needed saving and I needed it fast and I knew at that pit, God was the only one who can. And He did. So tangibly, so lovingly, so tenderly, God. Saved. Me. - me who was walking with this God all this time and didnt know much about Jesus being a or the saviour until I needed that saving He so freely offers. Its something to know about His saving until you experience the saving yourself and bam. Life will never be the same again. 

Its been fun coming back home and looking back to see evidences of Gods goodness the whole way even where I didnt see Him, even when I didnt feel Him. E(and by fun, I mean, lots of tears) He is So faithful that I know I got to be expectant for so much more! 

I guess Im writing this to encourage someone who seems to be in a dark pit right now, a lonely road, a path less travelled, figuring life out, figuring purpose out, asking the why's and the what for's and the what next... Though every thing around you screams that you are alone, never understood, always be the help, you'll always be the odd one, always overlooked, God sees you beloved. 

God. Sees. You. 

Two weeks ago being taken aback by memories of where I once was, God told me, 

" I was there love. I was there when you chose to obey over your comforts. I was there when you felt alone on those cold floors. I was there when you cried yourself to sleep. I was there when they talked about you, mocked you and laughed at you. I was there when you felt betrayed by them. I was there when you chose them anyway. I was there when you gave up on them. I was there when you tried to love them. I was there when you didnt even care anymore. I was there when you messed up, chose the easier road and felt like an idiot. I was there. When you picked yourself together every day just to show that you were okay. I was there when that smile was tainted. I was there when hope was a foreign language and love was despicable. I was there and I chose you..."