One Year Later 🍃

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"Hey you. 
You're beautiful and amazing and I mean it. 
Now, I know it seems like you're never heard
It may seem like you're never noticed
All the good you do
All the tears you shed
All the prayers you prayed..
It may seem like you're just another help
But I see and I know.
Its hard to be bashed around like a dough
but I see so much more than you'll ever know.
Cool thing about doughs is that they turn out so much more beautiful than what was initially sown 
The harder the kneading of dough, the softer and nicer what we will behold. 
So hang on in there my girl, 
You in all of this heartache will survive.
You will just be fine,
As  long as you are mine."



It was a year ago when i needed to hear that. So much heartache and it only got worse through the year. Mainly my own poor, full of fear choices and others. Settled in what i hoped would get better and smoother. But inevitably failed still. I needed help. And i knew it.. I just didnt know how to get it. Darkness was comfortable. Ignorance was soothing. "As long as nobody knew, I was good" was how I was treating it. I never said that, but thats definitely how I treated it. Reality is, it was eating me inside. Sooner or later I KNEW, I had to come out. I knew I  was coming out even  though the thought of that ached alot too.


One year later, Im in Samoa and not just for a short visit, but living in Samoa! Walking around today and riding around in cabs got me mumbling, 
"Did you think this through, Dilo? Did you think you'd be here, living in Samoa so chill and free and away from all that heartache only one year later? Did you think God was just going to let you hurt away?"



My answer plainly being, No, no, no and no.


Yo. I dont deserve all the goodness I've been experiencing here, and i have constantly found myself in tears because of it but thats just it about this God ay -  never because we deserve it, but because He is God. 
If I could just go back to that hurting girl a year ago and tell her, "You're about to be swooned by Your Maker, just you wait a LITLLE longer", I would!



Pain is real. Pain is powerful. Pay attention to it and give it to God.


More than I could have ever imagined, He said. 
More than I could have ever imagined, He did.



JAN 28, 2017 

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