SUCH TIMES

[Wrote this a year ago and came across it today. still so relevant.]  Till Death Do Us Part . Weirdly woke up this Sunday afternoon murmuring this. ha #judgeme  Marriage is crazy. I’ve hated it. I’ve loved it - Gloriously.  I’ve doubted it - indefinitely. Two Sundays ago I visited my grandparents and got slammed on the face struck with how life is like for them now. Here I am celebrating close friends getting married and then the aftermath jokes of who’s next and conversations of nieces and nephews as namesakes. I held my grandfather a bit longer than normal. He’s been senile now, on and off. Mostly the latter. Regular human habits are sort of a struggle now or just slow – talking, eating, walking, having his eyes open.   Crazy how life evolves. I watched my Nau hold him, talk to him gently explaining to him who all were in the room, feed him when it was time to dine, and clean up after him. My heart was in all sort...

Cried a ton tonight.  Cried for friendship.  We take it for granted.  I know, Some days I've jokingly uttered, "can we see each other after 6months? cos I'm tired of seeing y'all. 😂" Tonight I cried.  Not because I've lost them but because I look back  and I look around me, and I go to sleeep smiling most days, because of God's hand on my life through friendship.  Honestly for a generally introverted person like me,  I dont know how I would have survived the oddest of odds over the years without the gift of friendship;  without being able to call/ txt someone up and tell them about my life without judgement or fear;  or just having someone who was willing to listen without interjecting or posing threat or fear;  or someone who was open to just 'being there' or 'being present', no strings attached other than the often unspoken promise of 'its okay I gotchu regardless', 'I gotchu. Your mess won...

                                                         Anna is a Vanuatu girl I met in Vanuatu on a mission project with CRUFIJI back in 2012. Two years ago in a Tamavua bus, I happened to sit next to her. This girl was on her phone. 15 minutes in to the bus ride, this girl taps me on my hand, and says, "Excuse me, is this you?" My EYES went from her phone screen to her face to the phone screen and back at her. "wait what?" I was out of this world confused, scared maybe and just a little shocked. My MIND lol! thinking, what in the world? why is she showing me this? is she stalking me? is this a joke? 😂  I admit, I also thought of going to a different seat, I mean I FREAKED!                        She was showing me group photos of us i...

Something I initially thought should only be for some special women in my life, but thought I could share here as well..  To my ladies,  The past three months has been a handful of heartfelt funerals. Funerals that should total to a whole year's worth of energies, emotions, life stories and oh finances - all in only three short months. Friends I haven't met in a long time, family I haven't spoken to and of in a long while, I got to hear from and experience in a few short weeks. No complaints here, only Wow and thankfulness for the journey it has been and for the rarely appreciated gift of social media for making things a little bit easier to handle. I think.  Beautiful Misha got to tie the knot the other night and the way I contemplated attending this wedding, or any wedding or just anything "fun" for that matter, only God knows. I didnt know if I was ready for anything fun yet. Didn't know if it was morally right or whatever being that my Tata ha...

It still aches I dont know if it will ever stop I dont know if I want it to stop (missing him I mean)  But I do prefer feeling it than ignoring it. Currently feeling it all today - as if it were happening all over again... As if it hasnt been a month already... As if I hadnt felt it all before that day. We dont know how much space one takes up in our hearts until we lose 'em. He sure took up a lot in mine.  So I took some time out to just sit and soak in God's goodness and faithfulness despite my overwhelmed with sadness heart. God is sweet. I was reminded that God is PRESENT though the waves and the world seem loud;  That as the waves come crashing in, so will healing, joy and goodness all around;  That memories of him bring healing instead of pain  That reminders of his counsel lead us closer than apart That the sound of his voice ring comfort and peace That stories of him strengthen us within. Because all things work togeth...

"I'm so sorry for your loss," they said with good intention.  Every time I heard/ read that, I found myself thinking, "but I'm not at loss..? " Not in a mean way, but I really didnt/ dont feel like we lost something/ someone. Dont get me wrong, we miss him lots and holding his hand till his last breath felt like my heart was ripped open with no mercy, BUT we really like REAALLY deeply believe he's in a better place. A place where there is no pain and sorrow and heartache and shame.  "Heaven's gain", they said.. and really, in believing that, I like to think it is our gain too! It gives me strength to believe he really is where I long to be on the daily. I mean he's already there!!  It gives me strength to realize thats where I want to be headed all the days of my life. It gives me strength to believe that every single day I'm alive is a chance to live for THAT glory; for that goodness; for that craze. Him being there give...