Letting Go

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Amazingly overwhelmed is how I best describe (though poorly i think) my feelings in the past week.  I thought everything was good until it got even better! Phew. My hands are sweating and shaking and my heart skipping as I write this.  The Presence. - I welcome thee !

 God is good. The phrase I struggled to say and believe with all my heart every other day. I have to confess, at least once a week I give in and get soooo mad - at everything, at everyone, at life, at God.  Yesterday was that day for me this week.  It came out of nowhere. Anger i mean.  I was angry. So angry.  I've recently been so fearful of alot of things and I hated it.  Negative thoughts and ideas flooded my mind like crazy - suicide included.  I didnt have the heart to talk with anyone. I walked down to Suva Point.  I imagined myself walking and walking and walking into the ocean until.......  

 That small ounce of faith I had inside of me knew I would literally be the Jonah of the 21st Century swallowed by a whale to be put where God wants me, had I been daring enough to do that !  So I just sat there.  For only 2 hours.  I cried and honestly told God how I felt. I dont think I had FULLY done that ever since my painful experience. I screamed (in my heart. not out loud) until I couldn't anymore - letting out all the hurt, frustration, and hate I thought I had gotten over.  I asked the questions I didn't want to ask - the why's: Why did I go through that? Why does it have to take a long time to heal? Why cant I see the good right now? Why does it feel like I have to wait forever God? 
Suddenly I felt this peace in a strangely cool way. I was overcome by the boldness to let it all go. I let go of all the bad stuff in my heart. All the garbage. All the lies the enemy manipulated me with.  And then I realized it wasn't just that.  I had to let go of all the good things as well that my heart wanted to cling to.  Leaving it ALL  at His feet so I could experience Him wholly, fully and perfectly.  

 I was still SO absorbed in my crazy afternoon as I reached home and wasnt fully up to talking about it with anyone. As faithful as God is in blessing me with great women of faith, (who last night happened to be Ala, Esita, Joyce and Maraia) who surrounded me on my bed waiting intently to hear me out.  We stared each other for some time. (It was kind of hilarious but after the strumming of worship songs, I was able to open up to them about how stupid I felt about my afternoon. Yes. Argh this enemy! 

 With sweet testimonies from each of them about their day, I realised how that crazy afternoon by the seawall was such a huge and vital part of this process Im going through.  I had to let out all the garbage AND the good stuff my heart is always tempted to hold on to, so I could be renewed. Made empty to be whole again. 

 Praise the Lord!!! This is such an exciting journey ! Keep at it with me?? 

 He understands the tears beloved. You will be amazed.  
"Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
....He fills my life with good things. My youth
is renewed like the eagles!"
Psalm 103:1,5 . 


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