Hold On, Pain Ends

My testimony of what I’m enduring through this past month.  

I was feeling like a failure.  Everything I did or didn’t do was judged and so haunted me.  All that I was involved in and all that I wanted didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.  I gave in. I believed the lies that I really was a failure.  Everything seemed okay and settled on the outside but my heart was at war.  The Lord was sweet in coming through to me through His word as I sought Him. So I concluded that it was just me and the Lord that needed to sort out my problems.  Didn’t think anyone near me fully understood what I was going through because I didn’t even understand it myself. I felt I was slipping away from something but didn’t really know what.

June 12^th God allowed I experience something insanely painful. Insanely painful.  It challenged everything I’ve always believed in and love talking about: GRACE, Forgiveness, love, hope.  The pain was SO real and deep that these truths seem so far away.  It was hard to hang on to God and His word and trusting Him above my emotions.  I was at a point where I tearfilled-ly said, "God ! just take my life please. I cant take this.” 

The cool thing about this God is that He faithfully gives the nudge and the faith to keep pressing on.  I know beyond knowing that I was able to still experience God everyday after that through the prayers of beloveds. Living through each day was a miracle to me!  Apart from the parents, the only people I ran to and got great encouragement from, were the ones I thought I was good without. 

One week after the incident I was convicted through the word and the spirit to take action about my situation.  I was faithfully overcome by the supernatural desire to forgive the person that wronged me.  I had the parents with me as I chose to confront the person that evening.  Throughout the conversation even as I told him I forgave him, I knew his heart was still hard.  I knew I was free though. Such an amazing feeling ! Everyone was told to pray at the end.  The first two minutes of prayer was okay and then God happened. He was literally bawling as he continued to pray.  I have never witnessed a scene of repentance in the face like it.  It was amazing. And freeing.  With God’s grace I can face this person again and thankful that he’s a part of my life. 

However the hole the incident left in my heart was so deep.  Through the promises in the Word and the encouragement and  prayers from those around me and even those thousands of miles away, I know I am healed.  But it takes more than just knowing to experience it everyday.  I have to fight and fight and fight to choose to be where He desires me to be: Healed, Restored and Refined in Him. 

The impacts of this experience has been mind blowing. Leading a dear beloved to be willing and able to forgive and be freed from something that’s burdened her for years, gave me SO much hope. It provesthe verse in Genesis 50:20 that what intended to harm me is turning out to really be for my good through the saving of many lives.  Moreover the significant impact the experience has on me as I continue to process, is that its helping me discover my life purpose.  It brought to light my rebellious heart of running away from what the Lord has been long preparing me and is still preparing me for. Things makes SO much more sense now and I am ever grateful to the Lord.

So have HOPE.  It will make sense.

It's all good because God IS good beloved !